That stupid look on my face, is my face
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Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
When you’re here for the treats.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
What the hell happened in there??
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point