Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
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What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.