Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
You Might Also Like
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Pretty certain I can more drunk
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It鈥檚 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
February 27th, 2020.
I鈥檓 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don鈥檛 you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I鈥檇 do it for a Costco hot dog
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
A level of petty I can get with 馃ぃ
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.