Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
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Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Make new friends? bro out of what?
When someone trying to leave me
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Body by sandwich.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.