Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
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“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.