I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
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I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
do u think theres a butter planet?
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish