her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
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[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
*pronounces patio like ratio
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
goldfish mafia
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes