“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
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[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.