I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
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DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see