“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
You Might Also Like
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
sir, my pâté if you please
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.