I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
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“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Just why bro?!
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”