Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
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The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
CRYING
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*