I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
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Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Trying
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.