I know this now 😂
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What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay