I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
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The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet