me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
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Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Finally
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic