Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
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Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”