[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
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My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.