How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
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They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!