*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
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Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done