[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
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[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*