The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
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The government even made aliens boring
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
want me to check your oil?
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.