Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
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When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
🥶🥶🐶🐶
I’m good, thanks.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
*offers Batman cough drops*
2022: I can fix it
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window