[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
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The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power