Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
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Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
This is my cat’s medicine.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic