Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
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Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.