Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
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*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.