Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
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[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
my one true gender
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
iPhone X
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”