ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
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Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.