My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
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[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
eggs benadryl
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
i wish i could marry a nap
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever