Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
You Might Also Like
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Single and childfree like Jesus
Somebody call the cops.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much