If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
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I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
I am HOWLING at this
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler