I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
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Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon