Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
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Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad