Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
You Might Also Like
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?