No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
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Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Meow
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Why is no one talking about this?!
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”