What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
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COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Lol
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful