The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
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peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
so i’m at the stock market right
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.