CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
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[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Me: I鈥檒l have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don鈥檛 have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 馃槀
My patronus is a cheeseburger
what?
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don鈥檛 like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT鈥橲
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there鈥檚 no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark