I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
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If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.