She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
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a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.