Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
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Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off