Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
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me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
LMAO
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Brands during Pride
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.