As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
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My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
got so much cardio in today
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
OKAY DAD
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*