I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
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[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
happy valentine’s day to me
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.