Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
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me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.