59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
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Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
twitter users today:
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Mountain Goat : )
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.