Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
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Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Seas the day!!!!
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.