I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Going to church you guys need anything
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.