I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
You Might Also Like
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…